Happiness

In America, we have institutionalized the pursuit of happiness by making it part of our constitution. Many think – I know I did - that we are entitled to be happy, and that if things were a little closer to perfect, we would be happy. I saw the fallacy of that meme long ago. My first awareness that things are not close to perfect out there in the big world, in fact they aren’t even perfect in here in my little world, came early. I observed that I felt happy at times and not happy at other times. I tried to understand why this was. What exactly was it that made me happy? Since the answer was different in different contexts, it wasn’t easy to discover. After trying lots of different things, I began to believe that happiness was like a butterfly that lands in your garden for no reason and then moves on drifting on the wind, ephemeral and elusive.

I read the philosophers and poets, novels, ancient tomes and all the popular media articles I could find. I even consulted psychiatrists who make it their living to study the human mind. I read many of their studies. I decided that they aren’t very interested in happiness. They are interested in why people are not happy. They concentrated on sicknesses of the mind. Their assumption was that the natural state of the mind should be happiness, so if happiness doesn’t exist, then it must be due to sickness – some sort of malfunction. The more I pursued happiness the farther away it seemed to fly. I began to think that happiness wasn’t even as solid as a butterfly drifting on the wind. I began to think it was a myth. Finally, I gave up looking for it. I thought I was doomed to always feel unsatisfied, and unhappy. Other people seemed to be happy – why couldn’t I? I sat back and waited for the times when happiness would fly into my life. I became extremely bored and began to look around for things to distract my mind.

I decided to do things that interested me, and do things that brought me peace and comfort. I planted a big garden. I spent time there. I planted flowers known to attract butterflies, and eventually, butterflies came. I watched them in the morning sun and thought about happiness flying into my life. I thought – I wasn’t sure – but I thought that maybe this was a happy place. I visited my garden a lot. I decided that if I couldn’t be happy myself, then I would create a place where butterflies would come and I could watch them being happy. I decided one day that eating solitary meals didn’t mean that they had to be boring meals, so I hauled out the cookbooks and watched the food channel and began to cook myself wonderful meals – things I love to eat. I had a lot of leftovers, so I began to invite people to eat with me. I picked people that seemed hungry, people that seemed lonely and people who wouldn’t get a regular home cooked meal very often. Soon, there were people in my home, and I wasn’t lonely any more. I watched them eating and enjoying the food. I watched them looking happy. I always spent a lot of time with my horses. They are my psychiatrists. I talk to them and they listen and do not judge me. I invited people who couldn’t own a horse of their own to come to work with me, and with my horses. I watched them as they lived a dream. I watched them being happy. I so wanted a special friend – someone to replace my lost soul-mate, someone to share my life with, but, no matter how I looked, I didn’t find anyone, so, I bought a golden retriever puppy. I played with him and threw the ball and watched him being happy. I let him sleep on the foot of my bed when he cried at night. We cried together.

I continued to read about happiness. One day I discovered “A Course in Miracles” I decided to read it carefully and follow what it said – just as an exercise to keep my mind busy. I wasn’t looking for God. I was looking for the answer to the question why wasn’t I happy? I don’t recommend this book to everyone. You need to have a certain mind-set to appreciate what it teaches. I noticed that I felt less unhappy. I wouldn’t say I was happy, but there were moments. I tried to understand those moments. What made me happy? I finally decided that happiness isn’t ‘out there’ to be found. It lives inside me. Then, I discovered Doctor Marty Seligman’s book “Authentic Happiness”. It seemed to be the final piece – until I found Level-3, and Richard Brodie’s book “Getting Past OK”. Now, I understand that happiness is my own creation. I create my happiness. It doesn’t come to me like a butterfly in my garden. It comes to me because I plant flowers that attract butterflies.

Love.
Glee